fantheoriesandfoodporn:

fantheoriesandfoodporn:

fantheoriesandfoodporn:

I wonder why there aren’t many mythological figures like Dedalus, the father of Icarus.

Dude invented robots, aeronautics, mazes and crotchless fursuits. That’s way cooler than any of the hundreds of naked guys who hit mythical boars with swords

People think I’m joking about the crotchless fursuits, but I’m not. That’s a legit part of his myth and the very existence of the Minotaur, the Labyrinth and his son’s fateful encounter with gravity were all a result of my dude Dedalus basically recreating the rhino from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and making it fuckable

The story goes that the king of Crete, King Minos, was given a white bull to sacrifice to Poseidon, but since it was a pretty sweet-looking bull, Minos decided “fuck it”, kept the bull from himself and sacrificed a crappy dime-store bull instead. Now, the greek gods don’t tend to handle this sort of insult well, so Poseidon declared

Thou hast cucked me of my bull, so thou shalt be cucked by thy bull

– Poseidon, probably

And so Poseidon got the assistance of Aphrodite and together they made Minos’s wife Pasiphaë fall in hentai with the bull.

Unfortunately, for Pasiphaë, the bull wasn’t all that into humans so she sought out Dedalus, who was taking sanctuary in Crete under Minos’s protection after beating his nephew to death because he got jealous when the boy started playing with a fish skeleton (Note: Ancient Greeks are fucking weird). Dedalus heard Pasiphaë’s dilemma, took one look at the situation, put on his shades and said

Let’s yiff this bitch up

– Dedalus, almost certainly

And so after a bit of work, Dedalus invented a crotchless fursuit which he custom-designed for the Queen of Crete and then let her get down to delerious biznasty with a sacrificial bull

Now, I’m going to point out that in general, fucking barnyard animals is a bad idea, and fucking barnyard animals without protection was a worse idea. Unfortunately, at the time the only the only condoms available were made of sausage casings and were meant to be re-used by washing them in milk. Since that’s a bit of a mood killer, Pasiphaë ended up avoiding it and became pregnant with the Bull of Minos, also known as the Minotaur

Now, naturally, Minos was pretty pissed at Dedauls, so he gave him two choices: 1, he and his son Icarus could be executed, or 2, he could create a prison to hold the minotaur and he and his son would spend the rest of their lives in prison. Dedalus took option 2 and designed the Laberynth

Now imprisoned in a tower on an island, Dedalus began work on the worst jailbreak of all time. By saving up spent wax from the candles he was given and collecting seagull feathers that accumulated on the roof of the tower, Dedalus made a pair of wings for him and his son and both of them flew away from Crete. Unfortunately, Icarus flew up too high and the sun melted his wings, causing him to fall and make an emergency landing in the ocean. Oh, also being a weak nerd in ancient times he couldn’t swim.

So yeah, let that be a lesson to you people. Don’t make crotchless fursuits

Also, don’t get too attached to a future hamburger